Teen Titans: Interlude with Hormones
by DarkPoot
Summary: The Titans encounter their most treacherous foe: PUBERTY! My long-awaited return to the fic circuit; more chapters coming soon! R&R, and don't be afraid to tell me it needs improvement!
1. Sex, Lies, and Vegetarian Pizza

            "Beast Boy? What are you --" Robin paused to yawn. "-- doing up so late?"

            "Uh, well...hey, what are _you_ doing up?" Beast Boy returned.

            "No need to get defensive. I just...couldn't sleep. Yeah. That's right. I couldn't sleep," Robin replied, pulling his bathrobe a little bit tighter against the night air.

            "Yeah. Me too," Beast Boy quickly finished, apparently immune to the cold in his boxers and T-shirt.

            "Good."

            "Yes."

            "I mean, too bad."

            "Oh yeah...ha."

            "I mean, it happens sometimes, right?"

            "Oh, yeah – nothing out of the ordinary here."

            "No, sir."

            "Me, I just couldn't sleep, I didn't have a bad dream or anything."

            "Me neither – I didn't dream at all, as a matter of fact."

            "Yeah, I didn't even have a not-so-bad dream."

"...or a dream that was...kinda good..."

            "...Kinda weird, but still kinda good..."

            "...really sloppy, but really good..."

            "Even...SEXY."

            "With Starfire." Robin stopped himself just a moment too late.

            So did Beast Boy. "Or Raven." They shared a gulp.

            "Um...yup, none of that here," Beast Boy concluded.

            "None whatsoever. I've always been a light sleeper...got anything to eat?"

            "Lots," Beast Boy practically shouted, running to the fridge and grabbing the remains of a pizza (half dairy cheese, half vegan). Both sat down in relief, eating happily under the false pretense that the topic wouldn't come up again.

            "So, how 'bout those, uh, Yankees?" Robin asked, even though he didn't follow baseball.

            "Oh, they're great!" Beast Boy answered with as much sincerity as a man who'd never watched a game could muster. "They'll, uh, win that...Cup this year for sure."

            "Definitely," Robin assured.

            "Yeah..."

            Each took another bite, chewed, swallowed, and heard with perfect clarity the other doing the same.

            _It's good that we can just sit here quiet, Robin thought._

            _Friends like us, we don't need comfortable conversation, Beast Boy assured himself._

            _You and me, Beast Boy – just two guys getting by.___

_            I'm sure glad we can be buds like this, Robin._

            _I do wish he'd stop staring like that._

            _Sure is looking at me funny, though._

Their eyes locked over the table.

            "What is it, BB?"

            "I was hopin' you could tell me, Robby..."

            Each felt a little bead of sweat creep down the other's face.

            "Do you want to say something?" Robin pressed.

            "I could have asked you the same question," Beast Boy returned.

            "Could you, now?"  
            "I could!"

            "But you haven't."

            "Well now I do!"

            "I asked you first!"

            "And now I'm asking you, too!"

            "Fine, then I guess neither of us are going to say anything!"

            "Suits me!"

            "Good!"

            "Agreed!"

            They were quiet long enough for each to catch his breath, before each leaned forward over the table to shout one last time:

            "FINE! I DREAMED THAT I SLEPT WITH STARFIRE!"

            "GREAT! MINE HAD RAVEN!"

            "Ah......that wasn't so tough."

            "Yeah – ya' know, I'm glad I told you, too, it's a big weight off my chest."

            "Me too; it's a good thing we can talk like this."

            "It sure is. I feel a lot better now!"

            "Me too!"

            Each only felt "a lot better", though, until they noticed Cyborg entering the kitchen, his eyes now wide, wide open.


	2. Things that Robit Sleeps With

Screaming, Beast Boy inadvertently changed into a small, green mouse, with big, terrified eyes; Robin had no such luxury, and could only face Cyborg, nervous gaze to nervous gaze.

"Uh...sorry if I'm...interrupting," Cyborg offered.

Robin just stared, his lower lip trembling.

"…do you mind if I sit down?"

Beast Boy's nervous squeak probably didn't count as a response, but Cyborg took it as one; he drew up a chair.

"Look, guys, there's no need to get all up-tight about this, you know I'm not going to tell anyone. Besides, it's all perfectly normal; hell, I'd do Starfire in a heartbeat myself – that's perfectly understandable – and Raven may not have Star's ass, but you _know_ that girl gets freaky in the –"

Beast Boy changed back into a human just in time to join Robin in the most sincerely appalled stare that either could muster. Cyborg paused.

"---oh, geez, I'm sorry, guys. I'm just trying to reassure you."

Robin, looking no less horrified, slowly shook his head.

"Uh…I know! What if I told you one of my secrets? Then we'd be even, right?"

Robin and Beast Boy looked at each other; they soon nodded, and turned back to Cyborg. "Sounds good. I mean, we'd be willing to just _trust_ you," Robin said with just enough emphasis to suggest otherwise. "But since you're willing, what the hey?"

"Yeah. But it better be something juicy – something that would actually be _bad_ if everyone knew about it."

Cyborg nodded reluctantly. "I think I might have something like that…OK, like I said, I DO like girls and all that, but –"

"Oh no, you'll have to do better than that," Beast Boy interrupted. "Everyone already knows you're gay!"

Cyborg's eyes bugged out. "Dude, I'm not gay! Let me --- is that really what everyone thinks?"

"Continue," Robin urged.

"……so, I like girls and everything, and I don't feel anything for guys. I used to think that was all there was to it, but lately – I think there's suddenly a third party…"

Beast Boy and Robin raised eyebrows. Oh yes; _this _would do.

"I don't even think there's a word for it – I'm sure it's because of the whole 'cyborg' thing, but – screw this, I ain't beatin' around the bush," Cyborg determined as he took a deep breath. "Ya' know that old computer downstairs that got a funny 'virus' last week?"

Last week…

"Oh, yeah, you like that, don'tcha, bitch?" Cyborg moaned, his eyes closed and his body twitching in the chair in the least erotic way possible. The computer in front of him just beeped, its monitor flashing, as God-knows-what passed back and forth through Cyborg's wrist-mounted LAN cable.

"Ah—AH! Oh, be gentle, girl, be gentle…"

Beast Boy slowly considered this for a moment, obviously deep in thought. "I'm still confused… if you're attracted to machines…and you're part machine yourself…then doesn't that make you kind of gay, after all?"

Cyborg sighed. "Got anything else to eat?"

By the time Raven arrived in the kitchen for her morning cup of tea, the table attested to the hearty night of male bonding that it had endured. Cyborg was lying back in his chair, open-mouthed and drooling with all his systems in Sleep mode. Robin and Beat Boy were each sprawled face-down on the table, fast asleep among flat cans of soda, empty bags of chips, various crumbs and puddles, and a stray piece of underwear that no one would ever be able to account for.

As the teapot boiled, Raven took in the scene. It was kind of odd – they clearly hadn't been playing any kind of game, and Beast Boy especially had always been a heavy sleeper…

_He does look kind of…cute when he's sleeping…_

The tea kettle turned black and exploded.

Instantly, the boys awoke. Robin pushed himself up, leapt atop the table, and drew two birdarangs out from underneath his robe. Cyborg kicked his chair back, standing alert with his sonic cannon armed. Beast Boy sat up, rubbed his eyes, and slowly stretched his cramped muscles.

"What the hell was that--" Beast Boy began before opening his eyes, noticing Raven, and shutting up.

"Um…we need a new teapot," Raven surmised quickly, hoping to leave it there.

"What happened to it?" Robin asked, laxing his stance.

Raven blushed, but she quickly saw her way out. "Do you _always_ sleep with your utility belt?"

Robin frowned and put the birdarangs back underneath his robe, and the other two turned to take notice; it was not often that they saw Robin so scarcely dressed, without his mask, his tights, or any other clothing besides a bathrobe, boxer shorts, and, apparently, a utility belt. "Once you get used to it, you can't sleep without it…"

"Don't you worry about it? Like, if you laid on it wrong, and a grappler hook just up and fired?" Beast Boy asked.

"Or what if one of your weapons went off?" Cyborg pressed.

Robin shuddered. "It happens. I won't lie to you. Anyway, about that teapot…"

Of course, there was nothing more to say "about the teapot", as Raven had taken the moment to phase out of the room. She then planned to take a few more moments to phase through more walls and eventually get to her room, where she planned to take a whole lot of moments in meditation to confront herself on this "Beast Boy / random explosion" problem that had come up in the past week. Such were Raven's plans before Starfire noticed her in the hallway and frantically hailed her down.

"Raven, Raven!" Starfire shouted, lucky only that Raven had suppressed her urge to just keep on moving. "I require your help! May we move to my room and instigate 'girl talk'?"


	3. Girl Talk

            A few minutes saw the two girls sitting on Starfire's bed, the door closed and not a sound in the air.

            "So…" Raven started. "…how do we do this?"

            "I do not know. Perhaps we should simply discuss…OH! I know what I forgot!" Starfire exclaimed as she flew off the bed and over to one of her drawers. Raven cocked an eyebrow as Starfire held up a root bear bottle; she knew that the best phrase to keep in mind around Starfire was "expect the unexpected."

All previous levels of "unexpected" were about to be left in the dust, though, as Starfire broke the bottle against her drawer and calmly flew back to the bed.

"Uh…Starfire?"

"I do not understand this custom, but perhaps it will help us instigate conversation." She held the bottle up to Raven's face with obvious intent to proceed.

"Hey!" Raven shouted, getting a firm mental hold over the bottle. "What the hell are you doing?"

Starfire tilted her head. "I do not understand. Cyborg said that you would have such a bottle twisted into your face before you would discuss males with me. If that is not the case, why did Cyborg say it?"

"It was his way of saying that I'd never – never mind," Raven decided. "Can I assume this is about Robin?"

Starfire nodded, putting the bottle down. "Yes. I have strange feelings concerning Robin – I feel as though I want to 'fight' him."

Raven did a double-take. "You mean, you don't like him? Not even as a friend?"

Starfire looked confused. "No, no! Robin and I are very good friends, and – perhaps I have mistranslated this…" She took out her pocket Tamaran-English phrasebook. "Hmmm…I want to 'dance with him'? Does this make more sense?"

"I think so…is dancing how you express feelings on your home world?"

Star shook her head. "Again I fail!" She flipped through the book a little bit more; suddenly, she stopped on a page, eyes wide as she pointed at a passage. "Ah! I want to 'fuck him wild like a cowgirl'! I think that is the one…your stare is discouraging, though. Perhaps 'make sweet, sweet love to him the whole night through'? No, still you stare in horror…it must be 'take his genitals into mine and make him scream my name in ecstasy, again and again, until…'"

"I…get the picture, Star," Raven assured enthusiastically, holding up her hand. "All three were right, just kind of…crude…and sudden…and dirty…and_ sudden_." She shook her head slightly. "Wow…"

"Why do you seem so shaken, Raven? Have I said something bad? Do you not want to take Beast Boy's genitals into yours and make him scream your name in…"

"Hold it – don't people have relationships on Tamaran? That is, if people there care for each other, don't they do things together other than – those things you said?"

"Certainly!" Star assured her. "But my people consider mating to be the supreme bond between two people, and that is what I want between Robin and I! Also, I am clean of your 'the clap' and other Earth-infections, and am I not ovulating at the moment!" Star held up medical reports to substantiate this.

"Whoa…"

"Is still something wrong? Perhaps you would like to discuss Beast Boy instead of my prospective sexual conquest?"

"Not a lot to discuss – I might kinda like the guy."

"Hurray!"

"No, that's bad."

"Oh…'crap'?"

"My powers are based on emotion. If I become emotionally involved with a guy, _let alone_ Beast Boy, I can't imagine what would happen," Raven answered sincerely. Star nodded.

"Perhaps matters would become clearer after you and Beast Boy made sweet, sweet love the whole night through?"

"…I think I'm gonna go now."

"Alright! I have enjoyed our 'girl-talk', Raven!" Raven only really heard the first three words, having gotten the hell out of there as fast as she could manage.

            "Hmmm…it's busted pretty good," Cyborg observed, fingering a shard of the former teapot.

            "It's odd – I think they can burst if they're old enough and the pressure has built up enough, but this pot was brand new, and it didn't even look like the water was hot," Robin said. "I guess Raven did it."

            "You think so? She does like her tea," Beast Boy said.

            "Yeah, but she may not have done it on purpose. You know her powers – she does a good job of controlling them, but sometimes they go off anyway," Robin explained.

            "That's true," Cyborg granted. "Maybe something just caught her off-guard."

            Beast Boy gulped. "Um…Raven can't read minds, right?"

            "Oh, no…" Robin began, obviously thinking hard about it. "…at least, I doubt she can."

            "Yeah, I don't think so either – who knows, though?" Cyborg added.

            "Actually, there WAS that time last week…" Robin recollected.

            "And the other day…" Cyborg remembered. Beast Boy didn't hear either of their recounts, largely because the impending _knell of **doom**_ resounding in his ears drowned them out. One thing, at least, was clear to him after the previous night: if he wanted help on these matters, it would be a good idea to seek outside help. He knew who to go to…

            "Ya' know, I think I'm gonna go get a new tea-pot. It'll take my mind off things," Beast Boy decided, finding it difficult to hear himself over the impending _knell of **doom.**_

            "Good call. On the whole, it's been a confusing couple of hours – I think I might go out, too," Robin said, deciding for himself it was time to talk to someone with more experience. "To, um…get some groceries."

            "Oh, yeah, me too…except get, uh…random crap from the junkyard instead of groceries or pots," Cyborg added, reaching the same conclusion but having a much more limited range of potential advisers.

            "Good, then. See you all later!"

            "Great!"

            "See ya' tonight!"


	4. Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About...

            Meanwhile, as the Titans went their separate ways to try and sort out their interpersonal problems, their arch-nemesis, the nefarious Slade, was just leaving the 32nd Annual Domination Convention. Held in Rio, DomCon had lasted a fun-filled three days, during which Slade had heard several informative lectures, gotten lots of free stuff, previewed the next wave of superweapons that would hit the market in time for Christmas, and met a lot of people who, granting that everyone there was a soulless, heartless monster, were comparatively very nice. As Slade got in his car, he had to admit to himself that he was sad to leave, and that he would have to wait another whole year to come back. Allowing himself a little sigh, he put the key in the ignition.

            Now, supervillainy has a lot of perks, but it has its drawbacks, too. For one, using public transportation is a really bad idea, what with all the surveillance. It had been a hell of a drive to Rio, but it was the best way to get there – airports had been out of the question.

            It was thus an exceptionally bad thing when Slade turned the key and the car didn't start…

            "Girls?" Bruce asked curiously. "Ah, so that's it. I didn't think you'd come here just to steal groceries."

            "Well, I need to do that too," Robin admitted, laying a burlap sack on the kitchen table. Ever since the inception of the Teen Titans, Robin rarely came to Wayne Manor anymore, except for occasional supplies, conversation, and PR stunts for Bruce's "family man" image. "But yeah – I know we've never done much father-son stuff together, but I could use some coaching right about now."

            Bruce nodded solemnly.

            "So…any advice?" Robin asked.

            Bruce turned resolutely to his young protégé. "Yes. I think it's time that you and I finally had a long-overdue talk…have a seat."

He did, still unsure what was going on.

"How to put this…you see, Robin, sometimes, when a man and a woman see each other a lot and have a lot of unresolved sexual tension built up between them, then the man and woman will get together and have sex – that's when the man puts his –"

"Uh, Bruce, I know about sex."

"Let me finish, Robin," Bruce insisted, as unwilling as anyone else to clarify which Robin he was. "The man and woman will have sex once or twice, maybe a few times – the man doesn't have to worry about commitment or a sustained relationship because his stressful career would ruin any of those, anyway. Eventually, the man will see the proper means of escaping the doomed relationship and –"

"Stop saying 'the man', Bruce. You're not fooling anyone," Robin interrupted.

"Alright, it _is me, but how much different are you and I? We're both superheroes without real superpowers, we're both dedicated to our work at the occasional expense of friends, we're both prone to diabetes, and we both come from traumatic childhoods that work against close relationships. You're in the same boat as me – actually, you're not even rich or suave like me, so I guess you're in an even worse boat. Sorry."_

Robin was aghast. "But…you don't get it! This is Starfire – we work together, we eat together, we see each other constantly – by some definitions, we're already living in sin! I don't see why it _couldn't_ work out – she's a part of my superhero career, not an obstacle to it."

Bruce nodded slowly, only slightly reassuring. "But which is more important: Starfire or your career? We all remember your little charade as Red X."

Robin opened his mouth for a brilliant counter, but nothing came. "Oh…"

"I know it's hard to understand, but you and I aren't meant for long-term relationships. If you really care about Starfire, you won't go further with her – people will get hurt…if you want to do something, I personally encourage one-night stands. Catwoman and I could never work out, but that didn't stop us from going at it like drunk rabbits every now and –"

"I'VE HEARD ALL I WANT TO!"

            "Ew, mommy, what are those two monkeys doing?" Little Jimmy asked, tugging at his mother's dress with one hand and pointing with the other at two chimps fornicating.

            "Oh my!...well, Jimmy, the monkeys are just…oh dear…"

            "_Score! Paydirt time!" a strange green boy next to them shouted, taking out a notepad and pencil. "Hey, you two saw the whole thing? Who was really making the moves, the guy or the girl?"_

            "Look, mommy! It's Beast Boy!" Little Jimmy noted excitedly, pointing and pulling his mom's dress even tighter. "You're awesome!"

            "Hey, thanks kid!" Beast Boy acknowledged quickly before turning to the mother. "Now, ma'am, as I was saying…how did those two start goin' at it?" He put his pen to paper and began writing some cursory notes as he started asking questions. "Did the guy start it? What'd he do? Were gifts involved? Dinner, maybe? Compliments? And how long did they know each other before they became involved like this? Did you…ma'am? Ma'am?" Looking around at his sudden solitude, Beast boy shrugged and returned to his observations.

            "A strange question," Fixit reflected as he and Cyborg sat outside, in the junkyard above Fixit's compound. "But one that all we cyborgs must ask ourselves eventually."

            "Then…you've done it with a machine, too?"

            "My wife and I do not 'do it'," Fixit corrected. "We make love."

            "Riiight…did you say your wife?"

            "She is an internet-enabled laptop, constructed in the year 1997 by Compaq and functioning with the Windows 95 operating system. She and I were made for each other in a deeper sense than my custom-ordering her from a retailer – I can only hope that you can find a machine as right for yourself as she is for me."

            "That's where I'm not sure I agree, man – see, I dunno if I _want to get involved with a machine. I mean, I'm still a man!"_

            "Still half man, yes – but these issues can be overcome by a patient and understanding partner device. I do see your dilemma, though – while repairing you, I noticed that you, unlike me, retain a reproductive apparatus. If you yet long for a sloppy and unfulfilling organic relationship, I can give you perhaps some advice."

            "Really?"

            "Find someone quickly. Otherwise, the conflicting interests of your cybernetic components will soon become the dominant force within you, and though I see no problem with this, you will find your attraction to humans decreasing and your sexual drives will atrophy. Any physical involvement with a female will restore balance, but if you cannot establish such contact soon, you will lose all desire forever. Perhaps it would be wise, after all, to invest in an organic baby before you become fully mechasexual."

            Cyborg was skeptical, though. "You sure about this? I mean, is there really any biological precedent for this?"

            Fixit rolled his eyes. "Do you want to do anything in this story or not?"

            Cyborg sighed and nodded.

            "I thought as much. Perhaps you should return home?"

            "Cute little house," the cab driver said as he stopped the car at the appointed address, looking out the window at a nice white house obviously cut from the same mold as every other home on the block. "Yours?"

            Raven couldn't contain a shudder. "Don't remind me. What do I owe you?" She paid the driver and got out of the cab, overnight bag in hand. She hated the quiet, idyllic suburbs of Azarath, New Jersey, and came home as rarely as she could. This time, though, she had returned of her own accord; Raven was realistic, and realistically, only one person knew enough about her nature to give her sound advice.

As much as she hated her father, she had to see him. Clenching her fists resolutely, she walked up to the front door and let herself in. "Um…hello? Is anyone home?"

"Why…is that…?" a far-too-familiar voice began in the living room. She heard footsteps, and in a moment Trigon the Terrible, her father, strode into the foyer, his bulging red frame squeezed into his slacks and starched white shirt. She found it difficult to even look at him – she had never liked Trigon or the accounting profession that he represented. Still, it was him that she had come to see. "Raven! Oh, Marsha, our little girl is home!" he declared happily as he took her up in his arms and twirled her around in the air.

"Dad! Let go of me!" Raven demanded, struggling; her father eventually complied. "I'm not a baby anymore!"

"Oh, of course you're not…speaking of which, Marsha, will that Christian infant feed three?" he shouted to the kitchen.

"Oh, my, I should say so – Raven, you still like Christian infant, right?" Raven's mother called back. Raven just smoldered, reminding herself that it had been her decision to come back to New Jersey.

"Look, I may not even stay for dinner – I've just got to talk to you, dad."

"Oh? What about, sweetie?" Trigon asked as he led her back into the living room. He sank back into his favorite chair and poured himself a glass of innocent blood, which is available by the case at most New Jersey beverage retailers.

Raven took a deep breath to regain her resolve, and let it out. "I like a guy, dad. It's starting to conflict with my powers – it's becoming dangerous. What do I do?"

"Oh, is that all?" Trigon asked, smiling that same warm smile that made Raven's skin crawl. "You're just becoming a woman, that's all – there's no point in preaching to you, so just make sure that he's wearing a condom on each of his tentacles if you two ever –"

"Dad, he's NOT a demon. I just knew this would come up again - you said you were alright with me dating a human!"

"Oh, I AM, sweety, I am!" Trigon corrected himself quickly, recoiling at the idea of his daughter being mad at him. "It's just that…oh, never mind, you came for advice and by golly, I'll give you advice! If you like him, act on it – your powers have been reacting to it only because it's so hard to suppress emotions like this. In the case of love, it's the internal conflict that causes your powers to lash out, not the emotion itself – if you can resolve that conflict, you will find your power easy to control again," Trigon assured.

Raven's eyes widened, surprised by both this sudden revelation and the fact that it had come from her father. She needed to reconsider some things…

"Uh…thanks, dad."

"Oh, anytime, kiddo…I'm glad I could help………rage will consume you, you know."

Raven sighed in exasperation. "You ALWAYS do that!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry…just wanted to remind you. So, staying for dinner?"

Raven looked toward the kitchen, the smell of roasting infant wafting through the air. "I…don't think so."

            Meanwhile, back at Titan's Tower, Starfire had just as many questions as the others, but no one to ask – her family lived too far away to expect a quick response, and her fellow Titans had all left for the day. Star was alone with her confusion – the only company she had was late-night TV…


	5. We Get That Channel?

We Get That Channel?

Meanwhile, in the Teen Titans storage locker, Terra stood in the same position that she had stood for the past four months. True, she had undergone complete petrifaction and hardly even resembled organic matter except in shape, but hey, at least she got out of taxes. She didn't even have to pay the standard price of living, for food and shelter and such, which in New City could get very expensive; her savings account was accumulating interest, she didn't have to do homework or get a job, and best of all, she got to avoid the general havoc and heartbreak surrounding the Teen Titans in puberty.

Thus, we'll call it unfortunate that a pair of wayward Moon People suddenly appeared in the storage locker.

"Sorry to bother you, but do you have a bathroom?" Harold the Moon Man asked. "My wife has to – my word!"

"Look, Harold, if you didn't want to stop then I could have held it!" barked Ethyl the Moon Woman. "You don't have to get so passive-aggressive!"

"Never mind that, look at this poor girl! It's terrible the way they treat children on this planet. One day they're diverting funds from the schools, the next they're turning them all into stone. Where does it end, Ethyl, I ask you that!"

"Oh, Christ, here we go with the politics."

"I'm serious, Ethyl! Exploitation of the vulnerable is inevitable in the human social system, and without–"

"And I'M serious that I have to pee, Harold! Let's just get back to the ship."

"Just a minute, I'm going to do my part for reform!" He took out his extremely convenient Anti-Petrifaction Ray and turned Terra human again. "There we are. Now, let's just backtrack to that diner we stopped at earlier – you really should have just gone when we were there."

"I didn't have to GO when we were there!"

"Uh…thanks." Terra said, disorienting.

"Don't mention it," Harold said, but to human ears his speech sounded more like 'BRAAAAP TOE-KRACKLMOOOOX KILL KILL **_KIIIIIIILL_**!', sending Terra packing.

---------

The new day saw Starfire still at the TV, part of her larger marathon of Earth culture-shock. Eighteen straight hours of cable could wear anyone down, but Starfire would do whatever it took to learn about the terrestrial relationship. She had originally intended to just set her room up for the Ritual of Glurpthak, complete with lubricating oil, a strap-on snazzledork, and traditional Tamaranian hallucinogenic incense – that was simply how things were done on her planet when you liked a boy. Fortunately, she had wondered how it would go over on Earth, and it seemed that her hesitation had paid off – based on her discussion with Raven, she would be coming on too strong if she propositioned Robin so early on, let alone if she tricked him into a night of otherworldly, drug-induced sexual insanity.

She would have to learn the rules here on Earth and play by them, she knew. She had many questions, but somewhere on Titans Tower's 300+ channels, she would find her answers.

Beast Boy came back first, dusting various kinds of animal feces off of his clothes. At some point the day before, amidst all the excitement of so many animals, he'd forgotten all of his troubles with Raven and snuck into the animal pens. After a long day of throwing crap with the monkeys at zoo patrons, he'd gotten exhausted and just spent the night.

However much he'd enjoyed the day before, though, nothing reminds you of how much crap your love life is in like waking up covered yourself in some other, more literal kind of crap.

No sign of Raven yet, though; Starfire, yes, but Beast Boy was the kind of guy who only cared about his appearance or odor for a handful of people in the world. While he didn't like stinking of animal crap in front of anyone, he could let it slide with anyone but Raven.

He kept walking on through the living room, talking as he walked on to the shower. "Hey, Starfire; sorry I was gone all night, I had my communicator on the whole time." He'd thought about saying he spent the night at a friend's place, but that would be getting a little weird, even for a dude who can change into animals for no explained reason.

Starfire didn't take her eyes off the TV as she replied. "All is forgiven, Beast Boy. we can, as you say, 'Set it, and forget it'."

Beast Boy slowed, recognizing the tone in her voice. "Have you been watching that rotisserie infomercial?"

"Your planet is far more advanced than I had thought! You can make mouth-watering pork ribs in just twenty minutes!" Needless to say, Starfire had learned about more than just Earthling relationships from the Titans TV set.

"…Anyway, I'll be in the shower."

Starfire didn't even reply that time. A reply would have interrupted the learning, and this Earth "sitcom" was teaching her a good deal.

Raven was next, still scowling even after the long drive back from Jersey. She couldn't find a cab and wound up having to spend the night; after so much time with her parents, her entire week had gone sour. She hoped that they didn't get any calls for a while; if they had to fight any criminals that day, she'd probably tear their heads off or their assholes open, and then she'd have a lot of paperwork and court stuff to fill out. Not what she needed.

"Ah, hello, Raven! If you are looking for Beast Boy, he has gone to put water and soap onto his naked body."

Raven grunted.

"I am sorry – am I still being too forward? Your channel of spices informed me that the shower is an excellent place for such things."

Questions passed at once through Raven's mind, along the lines of "Was Starfire watching the Spice Channel?", "We get the Spice Channel?", "Why do we get the Spice Channel?", and "Who has been watching the Spice Channel?" All that made it past her lips was another half-hearted "Muh."

"Well…all right, Raven. I will catch you on the flipside."

Raven kept walking, having decided that her room wouldn't do this time, that this was an afternoon to spend in the wall.

Cyborg came next. He had spent the night following Fixit's advice to find a girl, a quest that took him from club to club and dance floor to dance floor. He'd been a big hit, too; he had a rough yet good-hearted personality, impressive dance moves, and the whole "I'm half man and half machine" thing to draw attention and break the ice. He could have had any girl he wanted, if only he hadn't been consistently hypnotized by some speaker, turntable, or other such mechanical distraction. He walked through the doors of Titans Tower with a disappointed frown, a clearer understanding of his situation, and a vague yet unsettling regret that he hadn't gone home with that nice light fixture he'd met.

"Ah, Cyborg! Welcome home, my token black friend!"

Cyborg would have taken offense had he heard Starfire's newly-acquired phrase, but as soon as he entered the living room he was at a loss. Starfire, the light fixture, the big speaker, the broken soda machine on that street corner, all of them flew out of his mind. The world stopped, just like they say happens when you meet the love of your life. Their TV – God, how had he missed it before? Their TV…

In more ways than one, Cyborg felt as though he had come home.

"Cyborg?"

"Oh…hey, Starfire." The world gradually began to move again, as much as Cyborg would have liked to stay in that first moment forever. "Listen, I'm gonna….need the TV this afternoon, all right?"

"For shizzle!"

"Where'd you learn to talk like that?"

"From this television! It has taught me many things," Starfire admitted proudly.

Cyborg smiled. "Yeah, it sure is a hell of a machine, isn't it?" He winked at it. It would have sent a shiver down the spine of any Titan but Starfire. "See you later." Starfire assumed he meant her as he walked off to his room, to bathe, charge, and wait.

Then Robin came home.

Starfire gasped, quickly changing the channel to something, _anything_ else. She knew it would have to come to such deception, for she knew that she was not yet ready and that Robin could not know of her self-education. She needed to surprise him; surprise would make his defenses that much easier to shatter.

"Oh, hello, Robin," she said in her best forced indifference, which really wasn't very convincing at all. "Y-you have had a good night?"

Robin was nervous, too; he'd really liked Starfire, and he'd gotten the impression that she liked him, too. Now, at least according to Bruce, he'd have to lay it by the wayside – he didn't know how he could just bury his feelings.

"Just visiting Batman. I – what are you watching?"

"What, this? I was just watching a little AIEEE!" Starfire had turned to Robin just as she had changed the channel, unwittingly landing on the Intolerance Network, in the middle of their Man's Inhumanity Toward Man Marathon – it wasn't so good. "I was just…um…watching some TV is all."

"I can…see that," Robin acknowledged carefully as screams and gunshots echoed out of the speakers. "Anyway, I've got to get up to speed after last night, I'll be in the study." He left; Starfire sighed in relief. The encounter had gone poorly, but it least it was over. She turned back to the soap opera.

----------------

"Come on, come ooon," Slade urged as an 18-wheeler thundered down the highway. He waved his thumb out as far as he could, but the truck passed him right by without noticeably slowing. Damn, he thought; he knew that the mask, the armor, and the traveling bag with a rocket launcher clearly sticking out the side made him a difficult hitchhiker to trust, but still, damn.

"Thanks, buddy," Slade muttered under his breath, taking a mental note of the driver's plates for future retribution. Something to look forward to, he thought, though that rapidly setting sun was of more immediate importance. He could think of more appealing locales than a foreign desert highway in the middle of the night.

Slade sighed in frustration. "I would sell my _soul _for a ride at this point."

Suddenly, a bright red jet liner materialized on the otherwise empty highway. The name on the side read "New Jersey Air", and a cold shiver went down Slade's spine.

Oh no. Not _him_. Not again.

The side hatch opened, a staircase lowering and a red carpet flowing down over the steps. Trigon the Terrible was, of course, standing in the doorway.

"Oh, hey there, Sladey! I was just in the area, ya know, decided I'd stop by – hey, do you need a ride?"

"Just shut up and get the contract out, I know the procedure," Slade muttered as he climbed the staircase.


	6. Buffet of Souls

Buffet of Souls

"Uh…hello?"

Terra pounded on the entrance of the Titan's storage locker – had been pounding for the past hour, in fact. Using her powers to open that door could risk collapsing the whole room on top of her, possibly even the entire Tower if she hurt the foundations enough, but on the other hand, waiting sucked.

"You can forget about them hearing you." Terra gulped. She had been alone in here, she knew it – and the owner of _that_ voice was dead… "Cyborg originally built this room to have a place to put Beast Boy on those really bad days. It's completely soundproof, and I think there's only cat food to eat."

Terra threw herself around, arms spread wide for balance and any necessary defense. Yup – she could only see him from behind, but it was Slade, all right, checking the cans on a nearby shelf. "Aw, crap."

"Yeah, only cat food," Slade confirmed, investigating a shelf along the wall. He picked up a can, reading it's label. "If you plan to stay here, you'll find out what 'Aw, crap' really means, unless you like 'Savory Chicken in Gravy.' Appetizing."

"Anything beats working for you again, Slade! What gives, you're supposed to be dead!" Terra demanded. "And whatever it is brought you here, you can forget about it. You and I are through!"

"Really? I guess I didn't take the hint when you _killed _me," Slade said, turning to her with a roll of his eye. Terra noticed a strange mark on his forehead, something like an S. "I admit, working with you again was not my first impulse, but then, it wasn't my choice to make. I have an employer now, and he would like to make you an offer."

Terra growled. "Get out of here, Slade – if I need to give my life to send you under again, then I won't even hesitate." She held out her arms, and the room began to shake ever so slightly. "Tell your master he can take his job and shove it up his -"

"Don't be so hasty, Terra; at least hear me out," Slade asked. "Let's not talk here, though. Are you hungry?"

_Famished_, she thought. She didn't say anything, but the room did stop shaking.

"I say we discuss this over lunch," Slade offered, taking one step closer to her.

"Your tricks won't work on me anymore, Slade – you can't buy me with power, and you can't buy me with lunch!" Her voice quivered – she knew Slade, and she knew that he could hear the doubt in her voice. He had torn apart her soul and made her fight her only friends in the world, but none of this could change the immutable law: Lunch is Awesome.

"Do you like Chinese?" He asked, taking another step. She nodded slightly, letting the question lower her guard because of the deliciousness implied, even though she knew it was just a ploy. _Everyone_ likes Chinese.

"I know a little buffet right downtown." Her heart skipped a beat at "buffet", and she cursed her stomach as she saw Slade, obviously perceiving her change of heart, clap a hand on her shoulder.

_Your friends, _her head screamed. _You can't abandon your friends again! You know where this is going, and you know that you can't do it again!_

Her stomach answered with terrible eagerness. _CHINESE BUFFET! YUM YUM YUM! FOOD FOR STOMACH GOOD!_

_Think of everyone…they've risked so much, _lost _so much for you. Don't you owe them this?_

_MAYBE THEM HAVE UNLIMITED EGG ROLLS! EGG ROLLS IS AWESOME!_

_Think of Beast Boy…what else could you ask for, if not the only person who ever made you feel good about yourself?_

As if on queue, Slade showed her exactly what else she could ask for: he took out his wallet, waving it lightly at her. "I'll pay."

And it was done.

"So…our problem."

"Our problem," Beast Boy echoed, sitting on the floor, placing the leftover box of pizza between himself and Robin. The pizza only had one day of freshness left, tops, and that had been excuse enough for this parlay in Robin's room. "Well, this was my idea, so I call you go first. You talked to Star yet?"

"Nah – I actually spent the night at Batman's. His advice was to give up on any idea of a relationship with anyone, not just Starfire."

"What! No way, you and Star are totally made for each other! You're even canon at some point in the comic books!"

The room fell silent. "Well what does that mean?" Robin asked.

"I…don't know." More silence.

"What about you and Raven, then? Any updates?"

Beast Boy took a slice of the pizza, answering before biting. "Are you kidding? She must have gone to her parents' house or something, I haven't seen her this bummed out since Thanksgiving. If I made a move now, I wouldn't stand a snowball's chance in…uh…you know, a place where snowballs don't do so well."

Robin stroked his chin. "You know, maybe this is your time, after all," he mused. "You could score some major points if you cheered her up."

Beast Boy paused before taking another bite, eyes wide with inspiration. "Great idea! All right – what we're gonna do is we're gonna get a _whole _lot of dynamite, and then we go up to her room while she's asleep tonight, and…"

"Before you go any further with that," and Robin wanted to make sure it didn't go much further. "Just remember that you need to use a light touch. Raven is in the dumps, after all, and a botched attempt to cheer her up would just annoy her."

Beast Boy thought this over. "I see…okay, so I'll make a cake tomorrow, only instead of candles, we use that dynamite from before. I bring her the cake later, light the dynamite, and BANG! Happy Raven again!"

Robin tried, honestly tried, to put that together in his mind. "I, uh… see at least one major error in that plan."

"Huh? Where? Everyone loves cake, and everyone loves awesome explosions! Add those two together, and everybody _really_ loves exploding cake!"

"It would _kill_ _her,_ Beast Boy!"

Beast Boy considered this. "OK, I've got it: I buy her a bunch of flowers, stuff a bunch of dynamite in the bouquet, then I…"

"The dynamite was the part that would kill her!"

Beast Boy frowned. "I think she'd get a kick out of it."

"People stop getting kicks out of stuff when they're dead!"

"So I'm bad at planning things, okay? I don't see _you_ coming up with any ideas." Beast Boy crossed his arms, still frowning.

"Well, the flowers idea could work, just don't do the dynamite, ok?"

Beast Boy let out a huff. "Okay, if you're not gonna treat this seriously, let's just move on. Starfire: I say you two should be together, and I don't care what Batman says!"

"That's what I've been thinking, too; I just don't know where to start," Robin admitted, scratching the back of his neck. "It's easier to tell you what to do; if I tell you to leave Raven flowers--" A smile lit Beast Boy's face "--_without dynamite--._" The smile vanished. "—then I think you would do it eventually; you're impulsive enough for that kind of thing. Me, I'm in a rut. I leap off the tops of buildings almost nightly and have stared down freaks and bad guys from all over the universe, but I can't think of a single way to tell the girl I like the way it is."

Beast Boy nodded. "Amazing the things that _really _scare us, right?"

"No joke." Robin nodded. "Raccoons, too."

Beast Boy nodded reflexively until those words sank in. "Wait, what?"

Robin shook his head, frowning. "I freakin' hate raccoons."

"Hmmm…you know, that might just give me an idea…"

"Turn into a raccoon and I'll go crazy on you, I swear to God."

"Maybe later, but for now hear me out: Do you remember that movie you had me watch a few weeks ago? You said it was called 'Cyber Raccoons in Zombie World' – remember that whole double-date sequence in the middle?"

Robin rubbed the back of his neck, diverting his eyes. "Uh, yeah, Beast Boy, I remember it…that was actually 'When Harry Met Sally.' It was supposed to be a prank, but you…you just got so _into_ it…"

"Huh… now that you mention it, there really weren't any cyber raccoons or zombies, were there?" He shrugged. "Eh, whatever. The point is, I think we might have to do what they did in the movie, the old double-date switcheroo! I ask Starfire out, you ask Raven out, we all go out together, and _ta-da!_ – the dates switch, and everyone goes home happy!"

"Are you only basing that on the movie? Because it took Harry and Sally years to get together after that date, which isn't even mentioning that the two –"

"Look, are you in or not?"

"Of course I'm in. I just like to criticize."


End file.
